Posted by Roberta Grimes • February 29, 2016 • 24 Comments
Afterlife Research, Human Nature, Understanding Reality
One of the things I lately have come to accept is that I don’t have a private life. If any of my personal experiences might help you, and even if it embarrasses me, I no longer have the right to keep it from you. So, okay, here is a big one. I was born transgendered.
Conventional wisdom tells us that infants cannot form memories, but one of my most traumatic memories arose when I was less than a year old. I was toddling naked down a hallway. I still recall the leaves-and-vines wallpaper and the sense of vast space above. My mother and I were heading toward the bathroom to accomplish bath-time when I realized with horror that something major was missing from this body. I stopped walking. It was my oddly mature thoughts at the moment that have stuck in my mind forever.
I thought, “Oh. I must be the other kind this time.” I tried to make that be okay. But I recall as if it were yesterday the devastating sense of loss, and the thought that I couldn’t bear to go through a whole long lifetime as “the other kind.” I was only maybe eleven months old. Already I wanted to give up and start over.
Instead, I grew up as a tomboy. I competed with boys incessantly, proud to outdo them all in school and to climb trees better and physically beat up any boy who challenged me. I realize now that into my teens I was vaguely attracted to girls, and to this day I understand most men better than I understand most women. I still find things that are supposed to interest females to be so boring that I never have had a facial, a manicure, a pedicure, a massage, a makeover, or a day in a spa. I still hate to shop. I cook so poorly that for decades my husband has done most of our cooking.
It was seeing a picture of an eight-year-old girl dressed as a boy, with her hair in a boy-cut, her name changed, and everyone she knew now instructed to treat her as a boy that made me feel that I must speak out. If someone had told me at the age of eight or ten or twelve that I could be a boy, I would have done whatever that would take in a heartbeat! And I would have destroyed my own life.
This notion that transgendered children are mistakes to be fixed is yet one more piece of well-meant folly that comes from our culture’s utter cluelessness about what really is going on. Here are three facts gleaned from the afterlife evidence that will help you put this issue into better perspective:
What fixed the problem for me was puberty. When the boys’ hormones started to flow, I no longer could beat them physically; and when my own hormones really got going, I started to find my male friends attractive. By the time I was in my latter teens, I fit comfortably into the serious-minded end of the female spectrum. And here I have remained.
Now that I know more about myself, I realize that my being female was essential to the purpose of my life! Here is what I have learned:
So transgendered children are children who have lived a series of lives as one gender and have chosen the opposite gender for this lifetime. Based upon
my own experience, it seems likely that in each case (a) the new gender was consciously chosen, and (b) it will fully kick in at puberty. So for our culture to begin in childhood to reinforce our children’s gender confusion is not only unhelpful, but it might well be literally destroying some of those children’s lives.
I don’t know how this relates to homosexuality. I used to believe that people who were attracted to members of their own sex also were people who had switched genders for this lifetime, and that still might be right. But now I am beginning to suspect that, like all the other challenges of our lives, being gay may simply be another thing that we choose as part of our plan for spiritual growth in this lifetime. Why should it not be?
There is evidence that many of those who were owners of slaves or Jim Crow racists chose to come back soon thereafter as oppressed black people. Their purpose was to experience and learn from the same hardships they had inflicted on others. Wouldn’t it be delightful if the bigots who oppress homosexuals today will be so remorseful after their deaths that they will choose to be gay themselves the next time around?
The answers to most of our questions will come only when mainstream 
scientists turn from studying less than five percent of what even they have determined exists, and begin instead an intensive investigation of what actually is going on. Meanwhile, the parents of that eight-year-old girl who is being told now that she can grow to be a man are acting out of deepest love. I don’t blame them! But I only ask that if your own child has any level of gender confusion, you think first before you do anything that could damage or destroy that child’s life-plan. Contact me through this website. Please let me help! If I can help even one confused modern child to grow up to be everything that she or he planned to be, then my whole life will have been worthwhile.
photo credit: <a href=”http://www.flickr.com/photos/55938505@N03/19979257638″>Girls</a> via <a href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin</a> <a href=”https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-nd/2.0/”>(license)</a>
Thank you for that insightful post. It makes a lot of sense. I wonder how many people who have undergone sex change operations have come to regret it in later years.
This is one of my greatest fears, that the transgender movement will start encouraging sub-adults to do irrevocable things to themselves. They are already administering gender-altering hormone treatments to some children when puberty starts to kick in! So is sex-change surgery at twelve years old far behind?
My first title for this post was “Transgender Abuse,” but then that seemed to be too harsh. But perhaps it wasn’t too harsh, as I think about it now….
Great share. Thanks, Roberta _/l\_
Thank you, dear Frances! It’s a difficult thing for me to talk about, in part because it made for a lonely childhood. I didn’t play with girls, and I fought with boys; I believe now that I was jealous of their uncomplicated masculinity. My memory is that i was able to beat up every boy in my class in second grade.
It’s hard to talk about, but the thing that made me feel that i had to say something is that once I went through puberty, I became comfortably a heterosexual female. I am very glad now to be what I am! So there is a maturation process at work for many of us; I have already heard from others who had my same experience. It ain’t really broke, and that should be very good news for parents, don’t you think? Just love and nurture and support your child, and let benevolent nature take its course.
How very interesting. Any gay person I ever knew never made a conscious choice to be that way, so it makes sense to think they didn’t choose that for themselves while they were alive on earth. The hate and unacceptance of gay people not so very long ago is ridiculous, as it is like hating someone who has an affliction he/she was born with.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. I always look forward to your posts. I am using the radical forgiveness technique a lot and find it works miracles. How wonderful to have you on this earth. Blessings to you. Namaste Roberta
Dear Robert, your comment about how well radical forgiveness works for you is so timely for me! I am just beginning to write The Fun of Growing Forever, in which a number of these techniques will figure prominently, and of course when you begin to write the actual book you start to second-guess everything. I am so glad that you are finding success with a technique that I also think is terrific. Thank you! Blessings, Namaste, and a very big hug!
Hello, and thank you for a wonderful and thoughtful post. It must have been fairly difficult to share something of such a personal nature as this. I recall as a child wanting to be more physical like the boys. I wanted to run track and jump hurdles which was not done by females and there were certainly no organized ways to do this. I had no interest in cooking and sewing and still don’t. I am not crafty like many of my friends. I did like hairstyling a lot but my mother was always after me to wear lipstick at a time when I hated the way it felt. I am now 67 years old and have been married to three men but still think most female activities to be frivolous. I hate beauty pageants, shopping and romance movies. My mother thought I was hopeless and probably still does as she sits up in her nursing home bed and puts on eye shadow and red lipstick. I never really wanted to “be” a boy but did notice that my two brothers were much freer to go and do what they wanted and I wanted that freedom! Interesting. Thanks again
Dear Charlotte, I have been surprised to hear from a number of others in the past two days who have shared our non-girly inclinations in childhood, and have grown to be comfortably heterosexual women. Thank you for sharing your story! The details of our experiences have differed somewhat, but the gist of all that I have heard is that these children felt out of kilter as girls in one way or another – or in many ways! – but at puberty they became better oriented and accepting of their gender identities. It’s a vague enough challenge that I doubt that we planned it into our lives, particularly; I can only assume that everyone who grows up this way has simply switched from primary to secondary gender choice in their reincarnation series. If indeed that is the case, then I’m sure that the number of people who go through something similar in their childhoods must be tremendous!
Dear Charlotte, thank you for sharing your own experience here! I have heard from a number of women – most of them older – who found that the above tale of my childhood really resonated with them. If I were a man who had lived most lifetimes as a woman and then switched for this one, I’m sure I would have told a tale of wanting to dress as a girl and play with dolls, likely followed by a post-puberty transition to the softer end of the adult-male spectrum. But, who knows?
What we do know is that nobody has the right to judge or to impose uncomfortable roles or rules on anyone else. We will know that we have begun at last really to elevate human consciousness when people of all ages who differ from whatever we used to think was normal will be not just accepted, but celebrated!
I too found it amazing that you have the courage to bare your soul like that. If we all could do that to the degree that we are comfortable, it would be healing for all. They say if we walked around naked there would be no more wars. This is the next best thing. Bravo!
Dear Grace, this is such a wonderful observation! If each of us would take the risk of trusting and being vulnerable to all the world, then the world would have to change, wouldn’t it? Thank you for your lovely thoughts!
I agree with all you wrote, but I need to add something important. You mention something like a person who bashes Gays may choose to come back Gay the next life, which is true, but the reason is to discharge the bad karma he has accumulated. When you hurt others and get bad karma and then die and go on the soul plane, your guardian angel and other teachers, will suggest that you incarnate in a life that’s gets hurt the same way that you hurt others last life. You dished it out, so now you got to take it, otherwise you’ll discharge your bad karma slower. So be careful and don’t hurt others.
Dear Gary, thank you for mentioning the karma concept! Good point – people are hearing the word a lot now, and it is useful for them to see how it might relate.
I usually don’t talk about karma because:
1) It is a religious term, and like all religious terms, it oversimplifies and distorts a more complex set of truths; and
2) Coming back in any specific role seems to be always our own choice; there is nothing mechanical or automatic about it.
What actually seems to happen, based upon information gleaned from many afterlife communications received over more than a century, is that we feel spiritually set back and out of balance after that lifetime because we have been unloving in having bashed gay people. It is the introduction of low-energy emotions into our eternal minds – hatred, anger – that feels harmful to us. Now, those that we hurt have already forgiven us, and we have already most likely forgiven ourselves, but we are left with a lowered spiritual vibratory rate. We want to raise our rate, and only love can do that! It is we who ourselves choose to come back as a black person or a gay person, and we needn’t precisely mimic our own victims, but for many people doing that does seem to be the easiest way to return to a more loving spiritual balance.
Do you see the difference? Karma implies a law, when in fact there is no law beyond the implacable physics of consciousness and the fact that its highest vibratory rate is perfect love.
I do agree with you perfectly, though, that the easiest way to avoid all these problems is to never harm anybody else at all!
At first, Roberta, I thought you were going to say that you had a sex change operation at a tender young age!.I was stunned! Of course, further reading proved that wasn’t the case. It was a psychological orientation you were writing about.
You bring out a number of points here, that are worth airing. But, I think it will be awhile before society as a whole adopts the views of transgender people that you advocate here.
You make a good case against the “law of karma,” but I still think that there is a “law of consequences.” People that are mean, greedy and run roughshod over others will eventually reap the consequences. Maybe not in the life they’re living at the moment, but in the afterlife review. At some point, they’ll experience the pain and suffering they caused others. Or those that helped and loved others as best they can, those very vibrations will ascend them to the higher levels, eventually, though not always in that lifetime.
That must have been a “rough school” you went to as a child. I can remember being in 2nd grade and elementary school and there were occasionally some briefs fights, but always between boys, not girls. I don’t recall any fights between the sexes. It was really taboo, for you “never hit a girl.”
I’m sorry to have stunned you, dear, but that is precisely my point! The notion of causing children to change their physical genders in childhood, before their hormones have kicked in, is obscene on its face. This is why I said I was “transgendered,” not “transgender” – it was something that had happened to me, but it didn’t reflect who I truly was, and yet in today’s culture I could have been burdened with it for life. Before I was eighteen, I had become comfortably and unambiguously female for this lifetime; although my eternal nature as more male than female remains as a serious-mindedness and an impatience with girly things. When you realize what is going on, you can often spot the people you know who are likely trying out for just this lifetime what is a different gender for them.
(And, yes, I guess I made school rougher for me than it needed to be. No fistfights. Wrestling. If a boy teased me or otherwise gave me a hard time, I attacked him and pinned him. It must have worked, because I was pretty alpha by junior high.)
The reason I reject the “law of karma” concept is primarily that “karma” is a religious term, and all religious terms are in error. All of them. People still are confused by the concept of the “soul,” and how that might be different from the mind or the spirit, when in fact, so far as I have been able to determine, there really aren’t three entities that split apart at death (thereby splitting you?). So I just use “mind” to describe what it is of you that is eternal. That encompasses it all.
And at any rate, I have seen no evidence that something like karma is actually a law. Some researchers I know refer to the concept of “balance” – I have even seen the term “law of balance” – but in fact the ONLY actual law is love. The more loving you are, the higher is your spiritual vibratory rate. Everything else seems to be just details.
Based upon what the dead tell us, it seems that your having done harm to others in this lifetime can be addressed in a variety of ways, both in this life and in further lifetimes. You don’t have to, for example, suffer a broken leg or the loss of a house if your actions caused someone else to have these losses; it really cannot be that rigid. No matter what you have done in a previous lifetime that lowered your spiritual vibration, if in this lifetime you practice universal love in everything that you do, that seems to be quite good enough to balance things and again raise your spiritual vibratory rate.
Thank you for your always thoughtful and endlessly insightful comments, dear Michael!
Roberta,
Your work has been deeply meaningful to me, and I highly value your opinion. That said, I have been very troubled by your post on the transgender issue, and have been mulling it over for some time. I do appreciate your honesty in regards to your experience. However, I am troubled by what appears to me to be a narrow view of the transgender issue. I am glad that you have been able to embrace your lifetime as a woman, as that lesson is clearly what you are meant to experience. But why generalize that experience to conclude that all people who experience gender dissociation are here to learn that same lesson in this lifetime? Why assume that all people are only uncomfortable because they have typically been a different gender in other lifetimes? What about people who transition in their 40s, 50s, or 60s? The bravery of people I know who have transitioned is hard to overstate. To me, many, if not all, transgender people are here to teach us all valuable lessons about lack of judgment, bravery, and acceptance. In addition, I believe there is a larger message regarding the fact that our gender does not define us. Indeed I believe we all have our own blend of masculine and feminine, and we may be moving as a people away from such dualities and toward a broader understanding and acceptance of being. That movement seems indeed to mirror our spiritual development. Just look at our recently departed David Bowie and Prince, and the messages about gender that they left us with. I do hope and pray that you are able to separate your own life lessons from the life lessons of others, such that you can be in awe and celebration of the bravery and evolution around us without judgment or reproach.
Dear Rachel, I agree with all that you say. If someone who is post-puberty feels so uncomfortable in a birth-assigned body that a change of gender in adulthood is wanted, then no one has the right to interfere with that decision. All the lessons in love and non-judgment that you describe might indeed be part of that person’s life-plan. My experience is valuable only in the case of children, and it suggests to me that our society’s increasing tendency to get involved in our personal choices even in childhood may be leading to tragedies. There are preschools now that ask children who are barely past toddlerhood to choose from whole lists of gender options! The lesson of my life-experience is that no one who has not passed puberty can possibly even understand those options, or make any kind of decision about them. That’s it. That is the entire purpose of this blog post (which was, yes, difficult for me to write).
My dear, nearly all of us plan our lives carefully. We tend to keep many things the same for most lifetimes (including general location, culture, and gender) so we can spend as little time as possible in adjustment and concentrate on the lessons in forgiveness and love and other spiritual values that we planned for this lifetime. Sometimes, though, a switch in gender for a particular lifetime is important, either because we need to see things from the other side, or – as in my case – because our being that gender will be important to our ability to accomplish whatever we came in to accomplish. In the specific case of people who came in not to experience being uncomfortable for life in the opposite-gender body, or to serve as a gift for others who are trying to better learn love and tolerance, the gender-confusion is just a pre-puberty inconvenience that passes once our hormones kick in. And knowing that for many people the childhood gender confusion is a byproduct of the switch to a different gender for one lifetime, and it will pass once hormones are flowing, I consider it to be a tragic folly for us to encourage any child to believe himself or herself to be permanently a different gender than what their physical bodies suggest.
My point in “coming out” to you this way is to give you an example from one life that suggests that we should not be reassigning children, or even encouraging them to think that reassignment is going to be possible later on. Let’s let them be children and simply grow up as tomboys or as sensitive boys or whatever it is that feels natural to them! I know now that I came into this lifetime specifically for this moment when I can be of service in helping to raise the consciousness of this planet, and that I planned to do this work as a female because people will take these things better from an old woman than they’ll take them from a male of any age. I was never uncomfortable in a female body past perhaps the age of sixteen. Mine is just one life, true! But each life is so precious. If my parents had encouraged me to switch my gender in childhood, that would have damaged or destroyed my ability to be of much help to you today, since there are still sufficient bigots around that my credibility would have been damaged. That might literally have wasted this lifetime for me. In a more enlightened age, people will NEVER be pigeonholed! And they certainly will not be pigeonholed when they are too young even to understand the question.
Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful comment, dear Rachel!
Roberta,
Thank you so much for your reply. That helped me to understand your post so much more. You and I are on the same page on this after all. I completely agree with your comments on children. Thanks again for sharing your experience.
This was an Interesting post – in fact I looked for it wondering what your thoughts might be. May I share another possibility:
I am a DES** child, that is I was subjected to endocrine disruption in utero. I know this from my mother, but also because of the constellation of intersex traits I posses. I have struggled with my gender identity and expression from early childhood into my late middle age, and now I live my life in relative congruence (soul, body, spirit aligned). All that is relevant in my comment because of the way my *becoming* myself has changed me into a more loving and compassionate person, one who spreads kindness with abandon, and one at which people marvel and are encouraged by my example of love, to work on there own “stuff” in a way that helps them become more loving. People saw Jesus in me when I lived as “a special sort of man” but now that see Jesus in me more clearly as “a special sort of woman.
**DES: Diethylstilbestrol – an extremely powerful artificial estrogen given to mothers to prevent miscarriage and promote pregnancy. It was prescribed to pregnant women and put into “pregnancy” vitamins from the 1940s until it was determined to be a taratogen by the early 1970s. 1/100 the dose a mother would receive would chemically castrate an adult man. I received mine during the later part of the first trimester so my genitalia mostly moved from female to make, but the second trimester is when the female brain is rewired “male” in XY people, and that never happed in me: my endogenous testosterone was “turned-off” by DES. My endocrine system never developed normally, nor was my first puberty normal. I want through a second, female, puberty to make things as right as I can in this life.
Oh my. Dear Brettany, I am so sorry! I had heard of this problem, and of course it has been a terrible thing for you to have to bear. Thank you for sharing your story with us and better aiding all our understanding!
Actually, thinking about this makes me wonder – since the situation would have been known where you and your guides were planning this lifetime – whether you chose this body because your having these added challenges would make for a rare and wonderful opportunity for spiritual growth. What do you think? Because indeed it does look as if you have handled the challenges very well from a spiritual perspective!
In the 2-1/2 years since I first wrote this post, we have learned even more about pre-puberty transgenderism, and I feel even more strongly now that to suppress a developmentally normal child’s puberty is an inexcusably horrendous risk for the child. Apparently my experience was normal, and puberty generally clears up gender confusion issues, so every child has a right to try this simplest attempted cure of all and have a shot at a normal life. If, on the other hand, a biological adult still feels the need to switch, then that option certainly should be available. In your case, though, dear Brettany, it would be wonderful if more had been known when you went through puberty, so perhaps your situation could have been improved. As it is, you have lived a more difficult life, but it looks as if it has advanced you spiritually. I’m sending you a hug!
*Thank You* for your spiritual hug!
My transgender experience really has been one of my most important spiritual experiences. It as the impetus I needed to begin loving myself. Up to the point at which I chose transition, I had turned inward, into physical self-harming from early childhood. I developed secondary ego defenses early in in order to survive this and many other difficult things, and while I feel expressed loving kindness to others, I would not accept the love of others, nor God nor even my own family. Being loved by others and myself was not a place I could go. But I tearfully accepted God’s gentle challenge to walk wherever God would lead me with my gender issues. It was in this process that I began to become self-aware to a degree that astonished people; and in this process I worked hard on they many non-gender related things that bound me. And it was in this process that I fell into love with God. AND to my utter astonishment, I found I was gently moved to where I felt *right*, and that happens to be in womanhood – I was healed through the *scandal* of my gender affirmation. And yes it was (and still is) a scandal and like others in my position, I found that as I transitioned, everyone in my life also had to undergo their own form of transition.
…Often we find circumstances thrust upon us unwilling and at such junctures we can walk through into new growth and healing, or we can run away screaming and in anger. Blessedly most people in my life have eventually allowed this experience help them grow.
…Providentially, I met a cisgender (non-transgender) woman on the other side of the world who helped me through this process. She sought me out, seeking my help to grow her understandong of a young transgender friend. It was in helping her, then, that God offered me what I had demanded of God nearly a decade earlier when I realized I was transgender, then painfully set it aside for the sake of my spouse. My friend and I became each other’s “therapists” as she learned things about loving others she had never seen in another human, and she watched my love blossom more fully even as I gradually and gently moved through androgen, blurring into womanhood. All this occured over seven years, and we recognized the platonic love we had for each other must be like that of people in the spiritual realm. And so we encouraged each other to spread this love into the difficult relationships we both had in our lives, in particular, seeking to help our spouses grow to enjoy this degree of love…
…Suddenly as I emerged from my cocoon of transition, our relationship was sharply curtailed (and eventually cut-off), amd This forced us out of what had been a womb-like experience from the perspective of love. But NOW we were both healed enough of our past issues that (as excruciating as it was) we took our new ability to love others and as a dam-burst we sent our waters of love abroad into all those around us. And in the process we found ourselves moved into non-duality as the only place we could go for solace. We are like the twined-trunks of kauri trees that are now growing along different lines, each inextricably with bits of the other deep in our beings.
People have watched my blossoming over many years, amd they have been amazed, and not simply for me but also my spouse: she manages now with being married to another woman (and the difficulties that makes for her), as I continue to manage with her (lifelong) chronic illnesses. We are are almost 30 years married and have gone through so many difficulties that drive people into divorce, but we continue to tenderly love each other, and people see this and are encouraged, often to the point of saving their marriages, and now I can receive the love of others and this makes all the other things we do so much better. We are “bonus parents” to dozens of children not our own: about half are foster kids and the rest are exchange students. We have always opened our pantry, our home, and our lives to people in need, some staying with us for a year at a time: early on God “told” us we would be “an oasis of love in a desert.” And so we are.
Roberta? I think you may not need to be as concerned for younger folk who discover they are transgender. While it is not unusual for children to work through where they are on the gender spectrum, it is the relative few that really go on to medical intervention. There are very VERY high hurdles to cross before one is considered for medical transition. The first step, puberty blockers, give the child time to determine whether transition is right for them, and in this process their journey of self discovery will be aided by people who want their best interests. If they decide that they are really fine in their current body form then their natal puberty can resume, otherwise their puberty can be adjusted to match their true gender, and they will not have to suffer the irrevocable body difficulties late transitioners like me will have to endure. Whether this is part of their life plan or not, I cannot say, BUT life has a way of forcing its hand, bringing us to points where we grow. Indeed many of this kids, like many of us who are older, become “old souls” before their chronological age would suggest. Perhaps another way to look at this would be this: yes a child with cleft palate will have certain very difficult challenges, but now in many cases, it is in our loving power to help heal that birth challenge. Likewise, in our generation, we can promote the healing of transgender people at an early age…
…So what about me? Would that I had had the chance to transition early, to enjoy a girlhood, to enter womanhood through a less difficult passageway. BUT the time was not right: I would not have survived “coming out” in my family of origin – I was threatened with institutionalization, abandonment and death just for being gender variant. AND what about now? If I had the opportunity to turn the clock back and relive my life, would I change myself to cisfemale? No *sigh* I would not: to many relationships, good things, amd even our son, would never come to be. I was not created cisfemale, neither was I created cismale: I occupy the blurry space between intersex and transsexual, and I bloom into my feminine destiny right where I am planted!
Love, Blessings & Joy!!
Bretta
Sorry for all the typos above Roberta. One important this I should correct:
Puberty blockers is NOT by any means the first step to helping young people who believe they be transgender. There is *MUCH* counseling and observation – often years – BEFORE medical transition is even on the table. Puberty blockers is the first *medical* step.
Oh…and I didn’t move through “androgen” rather I gently and gradually moved through *androgyny* blurring into womanhood. People who had seen me change over the years finally decided “oh, she must be a woman” and when I recogbized this I realized I was at *home* in my body.
Blessings!!
Roberta? Exploring NDEs and things such as you speak of is relatively new to me. I too come from a fundamentalist Christian background, but I was always “suspect” because I was on the mystic’ s edge of seeing things and experiencing God. Over the last decade and especially the last five years, most all that I held certain in my faith has fallen into mystery and uncertainty. I have almost no spiritual certainties at this point, quietly despairing that there is no God to celebrate our lives and learning with, and that all our pain would be for naught – AND this despite the fact that I am *acutely* aware of the fact that my smallest forgotten acts of kindness have beautiful and untold impacts on the distant shores of lives I do not imagine…
Two certainties I have: first, the whole point of all this is LOVE – learning to love others and learning to be loved. And second: I am Loved. I know these even deeper in my being than my female gender goes.
…But despair is despair, and *so often* I want to exit this life, even if there is *nothing* at the end. I have wanted this since I was a small child and I frequently and for hours at a time walked among graves, wishing I was with those people (this after aset of deeply traumatic experiences)…
…Yet through all this, I have had the overpowering sense deep deep within that I am here for a purpose, a living purpose, a purpose that would have me walk the path of love, seeking God (because God will be walkimg that path also). It’s not some sort of megalomaniacal seense of Destiny, but a quiet overwhelming sense that I was created for love and THAT spreading that and helping others heal is my purpose for existing…
I seem to bring light, kindness, empathy, encouragement, and at least *some forms* of healing to people around meb and this has typified my adult life. I have made my extreme vulnerability into one of my strengths as I love people with abandon, loving without care of being loved in return. I can be hurt, but I am immune to true harm, and now I am separated from my ego and no longer chained to its insecurities and its grasping. AND my growth has been very visible to others, and I share my part as I have slogged through it, showing them a way through some of life’s most difficult things, and as I have *become* and am *becoming* still, my example gives others permission to *become*.
….So in view of all that, and what I am learning now of things you communicate, I wonder if I might be a Lightworker?